War on Waist

The fat lad’s fat line has flatlined, and it’s entirely the fault of the never dependable British weather - oh, and a lack of willpower and a pub lunch with chips. Gigantasaurus turned into one hangry monster this week fuelled by the arrival of autumn and gale force winds. The temperature seemed to nosedive, dragging the incredible bulk down into an angry bad mood and, worse, raising the threshold of the hunger game to previously untested heights. Rabbit food didn’t even dare poke its twitching nose out of the fridge as the podgy plonker paced up and down searching for a guilt-free solution to his grumbling appendage, the rumbles rippling out of the jelly belly. A frantic internet trawl for fat-free full-flavour pies, sausage rolls, pizzas, bacon sarnies, cheese and chips only made matters worse. But there are lots of low-fat, low-calorie hot foods out there that would be filling and in keeping with the War on Waist. Think it’s just the dark nights drawing and the cold. Man Mo...

Fat chance of anything sensible coming out of the mouth of a leading politician these days, let alone words of wisdom that would inspire action, instil passionate belief or even convince you that they were telling the truth. If it’s not excreting even more excruciating Brexit balderdash, then politicians from both main parties appear to be deep in the mire of mud-slinging, name-calling and blame dodging. Few straight answers and even fewer principled stances with anything approaching evidence. So you could have felled the fat lad with a flatbread when he found that he admired, and could only be inspired by, Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson’s revelation that he had lost SEVEN stone and seen off type 2 diabetes by changing his lifestyle. A shudder of recognition rippled through the jelly belly in empathy with Watson’s confession that he felt frightened, ashamed and guilty when he finally faced up to the state he found himself in. Another fat dad terrified he wouldn’t see his kids g...

Strictly speaking, the dance floor is no place for man mountain - too fat, too old and way too slow. However, it’s all too easy to transform into John Travolta in the heat of the moment. Just as the nation was tuning in for its first fix of the latest season of Strictly Come Dancing, on BBC 1 on Saturday night, I too was starting to strut my stuff. Weddings are fun for all but full of temptation. Feeling guilty about having been too weak in the face of the delicious delights of the help-yourself (to as much as you want) buffet and full of bravado thanks to a few glasses of vin rouge, the dance floor seemed the perfect place to boogie away any excesses. Accompanied by the leader of the War on Waist back-up brigade, gigantasaurus stepped into the multi-coloured disco spotlight and busted his best moves - hoping to bust a gut in the process. Unfortunately, the teenager in residence soon burst the big lad’s dad-dancing bubble. Far from being infectious, the lard luggers disco feve...

Man Mountain has run straight into an invisible wall several weeks into the marathon weight loss programme.  Gigantaraurus still feels like the monster is losing weight (starving) but the scales told a different story this week. Barely an ounce was left on the War on Waist battlefield. I’m blaming a celebration meal we enjoyed to welcome home some of the family from a London trip, but it wasn’t that big a feast. Anyway, the big lad should have realised the writing was on the wall when the times were digitally distributed for the latest parkrun. Huffing and puffing at the end of another very wobbly waddle on Saturday morning the lard lugger confidently predicted a personal best time. Ping, the eagerly-awaited news was beamed to a screen near me and it revealed the 5k trek had taken more than two minutes longer than the previous best. Looks like the exercise element of the weight-losing battle will have to be stepped up, however daunting a prospect that might be. On the othe...